User:Captain Hesperus

Origins of a Trumble Trader

Captain Hesperus started young in his ambition to be inordinately rich and never have to work again. Graduating in the top ten of his class from the Lave Flight Academy at the tender age of 11 (cat years), his parents having spent a fortune on genetic enhancements to increase his intellect and piloting ability, he promptly turned down a position within the Galactic Navy to purchase his first Cobra Mark III. There followed a whirlwind series of illicit deals as the pubescent pilot trading in highly profitable (and highly illegal) Narcotics, Firearms and Slaves. Just when he thought he'd made his fortune, he was caught by a GalCop sting. After a ridiculously one-sided trial in which the GalCop prosecutor produced no less that 800 pieces of irrefutable evidence against Hesperus, his only defence was 'It was my evil twin brother'. The Magistrate was not convinced by this argument and Hesperus had his first stint at the GalPen. Ten years older and not having learned from his previous errors, he embarked on a flurry of money-making schemes. Many turned out to earn money for others, leaving the feckless Hesperus bemused, bankrupt and, at one point, married to no less than eight females of different species and one hermaphrodite Lobstoid. It was perhaps a turning point in his life and career when he was arrested and imprisoned for another 5 years for nine counts of bigamy and seven counts of fraud. The Magistrate at this time was lenient considering that Hesperus would be having to pay off nine divorcees.

A less than flattering image from the Captain's scrapbook

The Dubious Profit (right half is in the shade)

After his prison time, Hesperus sold his Cobra (which wasn't actually the first ship he'd bought, but was his fifteenth, the other fourteen having suffered a variety of bad endings) and bought a decrepit Python Cruiser which he promptly christened the 'Dubious Profit'. As he boarded, he found the engine room was inhabited by a six-foot-four-inch horned blue Lizard from Inera. It was after a minute's conversation that Hesperus found out the Lizard's name was Rus, he was the ship's chief engineer and the ship's previous owner owed him eight months back-pay. It took less than three seconds for Hesperus to hire him and all of four seconds for the Lizard to let go of his throat and allow air to enter his lungs again.

Hesperus hired five more crew members (if only to satisfy the GalCop Inspector of Shipping's order that all ships must leave with a full crew compliment).

The first was an Erbitian Large Feline called Stepan, who applied for the job as Navigator, but had to take two days to find the right docking bay to board the 'Dubious Profit'. Hesperus also discovered that the other reasons Stepan couldn't get work elsewhere was his unfeasible and insatiable love of Chewi-bars and incredibly bad personal hygiene.

Next came a Reredian Furry Insect who gave his name as D'vlin and said that he'd worked for the Galactic Navy performing essential maintenance. Later investigation revealed his essential maintenance tasks were to dust the control consoles of Navy Asps with his furry abdomen.

Next came a chef, an actual chef from Ordima. He was a Green Bony Bird called Gasazck. Except on weekends when he donned a gold lame dress, pink feather boa and eight-inch stiletto heels and refused to respond to any name other than 'Juanita'. Anyhow most meals consisted, at least in part, of goat soup...

Finally, he hired a pair of Large Yellow Bug-eyed Lobsters from Xeesenri, reasoning that should he ever become stranded in Witchspace, he could survive just fine with two 'Emergency Meals'. He didn't really know their names and when he asked, the torrent of spittle they sprayed from their mandibles distracted him long enough for him to miss them anyway. Taking advantage of their absolute lack of knowledge regarding Haute Cuisine he named the taller one Thermadore and the shorter Bisque. Since their shyness made them useless at loading and unloading cargo, he assigned them to help in the Engine Room with Rus.

With his surly, Chewi-bar-obsessed, dishonest, transvestite, spittle-spraying crew, he set out to fulfil his destiny.....

Just as soon as he clears the Space Station docking port...Crunch, scrape, grind, snap BOOOOOM!!

Game Over

Press Space, Commander.

In the time he isn't peeling layers of paint off his worthless wreck of a Python or pleading with GalCop policemen not to give him *another* illegal docking ticket, Captain Hesperus can be found on the Oolite Bulletin Boards where he is likely to be in a secluded clock tower with a high-powered sniping rifle ridding the Boards of spam-bots.

Hesperus' life of crime started at a young age...

Links

• Return of Hesperus 2011
• How, using a parking meter and a canister of luxury goods, Hesperus started a religion on a low-tech planet... and escaped the consequences (2008).

Short novellae by Blaze O'Glory, recounting episodes in the life and travels of Captain Hesperus:

• Calliope (2009)
• Stranglehold (2012)

Captain Hesperus's fan club (2007)

Wiki pages

Some of the better examples of Captain Hesperus' imagination.

• Benulobiweed Inc.
• CZGF
• SLAPU
• Dicky-Bow Run